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Our brand's 💖🐍 Villain Origin Story 🐍💖

When I was addicted to Adderall I didn't sleep for three years. There's really nothing that bad for your skin in Amphetamines Salts per se, but staying awake for that long will fuck your face up real fast. When I finally got stimulant-sober, my biggest problem was staying sober. My second biggest problem was that I emerged from my three-year bender looking like the goddamn Crypt Keeper. So I got to work on research. Cambridge waits a couple of years before revoking grads' free JSTOR access, and so I did a little noodling into peer-reviewed academic papers in order to see which natural ingredients reverse the signs of aging or even repair scarring. By the time I went viral as a scammer, I had already been making my homemade face and body oil for years—perfecting recipe after recipe until I started to see real results in my mirror. In fact, apart from the physiological trauma of a global public shaming and the ensuing loss of reputation and self-esteem, the worst thing about going viral as a scammer was that I thought I wouldn't be able to sell my homemade oil anymore because people would just call it snake oil. "Unless..." I muttered to myself, starring straight into camera. "Unless!!!!!"

⚱️Back label on the Body Oil reads as follows⚱️

"Ingredients: Grapeseed Oil, Carrot Seed Oil, Pomegranate Seed Oil, Sandalwood Oil, Geranium Oil, Lemon Peel Oil, Ylang-ylang Oil, Frankincense Oil Clary Sage Oil, Rosemary Oi, Lavender Oil, Neroli Oil.

How to use: Apply all over. Dry limbs, calloused feet, unmoisturized friends. You can even pour a little into your bath to feel like a luxurious Egyptian princess! The high Grapeseed Oil content in this formula keeps the price down, your guilt at bay, and even helps with body acne.

Slather on and slither onwards.

2 oz. — 60 ml"

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I'm mysterious and hard to reach! But if you give me your email I could contact you in an emergency...